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June 28, 2006
Cleared Path
Tonight was a landmark night. I set out with the goal to make some sketches of the rose photo and to prepare my mind for making the painting. Let me just say that I haven't created something so life-like in a long time. At the end I sat there still for a moment just grinning from ear to ear. What lay before me was turning point...
I realized that if I try really hard to create what I see than I can make it happen. Anyway, tonight I sketched out the picture and planned my scene. Then I dove in and eagerly drew lines and layered colors. As the shadows drew back and the light brought forth the image, before me lay a rendition of the photo. I know I have said numerous times that I don't believe I am an artist of any worthy caliber. But tonight something gripped me. I was entranced by the colors and spaces on the photo. I crept into the detailed lines and grabbed for colors that would portray what was really before me.
Here it is. A layout of what happened and how it ended. I still can't believe this came from my hand. My brain feels a little less mushy right now (since I haen't used this area of it in a while) and my heart is still racing when I think of how I felt when I stepped back and looked at the picture.
Posted by mindy on 12:09 AM | Comments (3)
June 26, 2006
Exhale
I actually painted the other night (now that I have cleaned the art room/studio). It is a watercolor painting with three segments on the page. One segment with colors of fiery red and orange; one in simple black and grey; and the last in blues and greens with a touch of red. With no idea in mind it sort of formed itself. The brush had a chiseled tip and it was like painting with a calligraphy pen. As I have looked at it in the days that have followed I realized that for me it could represent various emotions. But I think it is best described in the terms of my three year old son: a bubble with red grass... flowers... and water.
I didn't know what I would create, but I waited for something to happen with it. After-all, holding a paintbrush in your hand can only make you want to see what colors can do when you drag them effortlessly across the paper. And good watercolor paper, like ARCHES paper (milled in France for centuries), is amazing to use. You can actually feel the bristles of your brush as they move on the rough texture. It is a feeling like taking a deep breath. You feel like some deep part of you has just been exhaled and you feel relaxed and at peace.
I have an idea of what I want to do next. And having a blog gives me something to be accountable to. I have decided to make myself paint a photo I took of a rose once. The blossom takes up all of the space and the way the petals are unfurling so richly makes you wish you could just climb between them and hide like a fairy taking a rest on a warm afternoon. I can only hope to capture a remote likeness of the photograph.
Only once before, other than the previously mentioned painting, have I used a whole sheet for a picture (since the paper is like gold to me). In college, for one of my art classes, I had to paint a self-portrait of me and my life. It came out pretty cool, but now when I look at it, it is too pastel in color. This time I want to work on a whole sheet again, but I have never taken on only one subject like a huge flower. I don't think it can be broken down into sections so it will take hours to do. But I am looking forward to it. And now that no one awakens me in the wee hours any more, they are mine for the taking!
Can I just say, honestly, that I love comments. I mean, I LOVE THEM! Some weak, insecure part of me loves to know what people really think about the things I write. And that little part of me loves to be spurred on by others ideas. I am aware that most blogs don't get many comments, if any, but this blog can be different. If you have stumbled across this site and think anything I say stirs, inspires, ignites, enlightens, or annoys you, leave me a note! As a stay at home mom, I thrive on interaction outside of my little world filled with small people who run circles (literally) around me. So, seriously, anything would be great. And I know there are readers out there, so speak up a little. Commentary can be just as interesting as the content with which it started from.
Posted by mindy on 12:51 AM | Comments (4)
June 23, 2006
Moving Forward
Hired a babysitter and got the studio in order. Will create things again in the near future. Interstingly enough, the babysitter was an 18 year old that I started babysitting when I was 14. She was only 8 months old. I still can't believe her parents trusted me.
Life is so interesting as you get older. You move from being a child to being a person who watches children become adults. They grow up and change so fast and you wonder what you've changed in yourself in that amount of time. I am dumbstruck when I think that someday my kids may be taller than me. And to think that our conversations will become so much more in-depth. I look forward to when I will no longer be in charge of hounding them for picking up their stuff. Or reminding them of brushing their teeth. And for goodness sake, no longer telling them to use the potty!
I have two sons and a girl. My oldest son enjoys art and creating. He has a deep need for quality time. The kind of time where you talk and laugh a lot, and don't forget about the food! He loves to be with someone and enjoying a moment together.
Several times we have the privilege to draw or paint together. And each time he carefully inspects what I am doing and makes a similar version of it. Imitation truly is the finest forms of flattery. I look at his little artworks and know exactly what he is making. I hope that as he acts as my little apprentice he will glean something from me. And, if I am lucky, he will outshine me someday.
Posted by mindy on 10:52 PM | Comments (6)
June 22, 2006
Point of View
Everyday is pretty the much same thing for me. I have moments of laughter that remind my face how it feels to smile. And moments of anger that deepen the single wrinkle between my eyes. I struggle through feelings of blah-ness, frustration, guilt, loneliness, and others. And I often feel this inner pull to scream and get things around me under control. But I don't give-in to it for fear it would scare my kids.
Actually, being a mom is truly one of the best things in my life. I have always loved kids and found it fun to entertain them with humor, and they in turn always do the same. I joyfully embrace the moments of my day when my kids just crack me up and make it all worth it.
But it is so difficult embracing giving up so much of "me." I long daily for the freedom to put on some music and make something. To escape into a place where all that I am feeling can be splattered across some paper or built crudely out of clay. Or if my feelings are refined, then to paint fluid, water-colored marks on a sheet of dense handmade paper. And watch as it soaks in and becomes a part of the fibers. There is nothing like painting on a welcomed surface. And to explore how watercolor paint becomes its own being on paper is truly peaceful.
Some art to look at:
JW Waterhouse
Dale Chihuly
Jefferson David Chalfant
Posted by mindy on 10:46 PM | Comments (2)
June 21, 2006
Defining
There are so many ways to define artist. In many ways an artist is anyone who chooses to take their creative energy and use it outside their body. Maybe they use it in music. Maybe in dance. Maybe in sculpting or painting. Nonetheless, when I think of defining myself in the artistic world I realize that I truly believe I am not yet an accomplished artist. At least, not on the level that I want to be.
Maybe I am waiting to define myself through recognition and appreciation for what I can do as an artist. Maybe that stems from some deep inner drive for attention, I don't know. But I long to be known for my art. I want it to define me.
Thinking that I was meant to be a "helper" of sorts, I went to college to get a degree in social work. Recently, I have regretted not diving into the arts more. I have only a minor in art because at the time I thought I could use my talents best by doing some sort of art therapy. Thus, helping the world become more peaceful in some way. When I think of who I was at the time, it is a blessing in disguise that I didn't jump into the arts world. I was far too impressionable and who knows where I would have ended up. I suppose fear and safety drive me to that conclusion. Fear, because I wondered how much of my moral code was intact at the time. And safety, because it is safer to assume the worst could have happened than to admit it hurts to think that I may have missed the best time of my life to dive into great instruction and learning.
Sure, I have plenty of time left on the earth to accomplish goals. But if I had known where I would be today without the instruction to make my creations into what I dream they can be, I would have done something more about it then.
I am not sure if I even know what I am talking about anymore. Needless to say, I am striving to be what I think I can become. And seeking the quiet wisdom from the Creator of creating...
Posted by mindy on 10:40 PM | Comments (0)
June 17, 2006
Patience
Ideas of grandeur are usually too lofty to attain. I am lost inside a world of endless laundry, unquenchable little mouths to feed, and a house that resembles some really wacky way of organizing nothing. Which I realize the last thing makes no sense. But it is precisly what I mean. I have very little ability to control my surroundings to make them excactly what I want them to be in order to rest or move on to the tasks which I really want to accomplish (i.e. my studio).
After receiving the acceptance email from the BIG Art Show people I figured I would hit the ground running and start making some really incredible art pieces, or so I thought. But alas, it is a few days past and I haven't even begun to clean my art studio. By cleaning, I am referring to the legos, paper cuttings, playdough, tinker toys, and matchbox cars that have come to inhabit the space.
My kids seem to think that the room is cool for storage. They don't even play in it! I can only blame myself. Afterall, I am the one that stuck the toys in there to get them out of the infant hands that reached out in innocent curiousity. But months have gone by since I've worked in there and it is really taking its toll. Why don't I just clean it you may ask? Well, getting time to organize anything with a toddler and two others kids is just not that easy.
The friend who refered to me as an artist has graciously offered her hand by welcoming my children to accompany her in some play time while I get time to create. So, once that is scheduled I will start. I've thought of cleaning or painting after the kids' bedtime. But it is 10pm and the last one just fell asleep, I think. And tomorrow is father's day and I have much to do.
Eventually, the space will be cleaned and the creative juices will flow...
Oh man, I've been summuned by that last one who isn't asleep afterall. Endless...
Posted by mindy on 09:58 PM | Comments (0)
June 14, 2006
In the Works
Coming home from vacation can be a highlight or a let down. In the case of coming home today, it was a highlight. Our wooden beams welcomed us and the smell was familiar and warm.
We settled in and relaxed. After the kids were in bed at night I finally got around to checking my email. I was ecstatic at what I found there in my inbox: "Hello artists! You have registered, and are welcome to show at BIG Art Show Philadelphia #3"
On the off chance that I would get accepted, I filled out an email registration for the show that is going on in July. They finally sent a reply and I can't believe I am going. When I checked out the website a few weeks ago, I was under the impression that they were filled with artists and that there wasn't any room. But the registration form was still available so I figured "why not?" and filled the thing out and sent it into the oblivion of cyber space.
I've done a few craft shows in the past and I've found them to be really expensive to be a part of and very unexciting. I don't have much work to show, and I am totally unsure if I am any good. But, hey, I need to put myself out there and find out. People will decide what they like. And maybe they will like me. I am really scared though. Putting myself out there is just not who I am really. Especially in a room filled with other self proclaimed artists. But It will be way cool...
Posted by mindy on 11:17 PM | Comments (0)
June 12, 2006
Dreaming
All too often I find myself wishing I had time to do things other than whatever I am doing at that moment. I wish for art-time, quality-time, mid-life time, whatever. Just time to do something that would bring me a moment of peace.
But I wonder, if I were able to dedicate some of my time to some important matter in the world (i.e. saving lives or rescuing hurting people from wars, or feeding the impoverished) would I feel the same need? Would I feel so much more fulfilled that daydreaming for something more meaningful would not even be necessary? So much of my life is filled with the humdrum of daily chores. Doing things that most of my family takes for granted, but needs to be done so I am less irritated by my surroundings.
Some say not to wish these years away. But I will say that I wish I were on the other side. I wish I could have conversation with my kids and husband and feel some deeper connection. Don't get me wrong, I do have that sometimes. But my spirit longs for more. I end up feeling just blah so much of the time because life lacks meaning and joy. I seem bogged down with guilt that I am not doing anything right by anyone. I view my self poorly most of the time and see others as having a better life as far as their relationships/friendships go. And maybe I just don't know how to be a good friend. But whatever it is I wish I could just jump ahead to a time when I am at peace with myself. A point in time when I don't second guess my words and actions. A point in time when I can actually remember things. A point in time when I feel free.
Posted by mindy on 12:49 AM | Comments (0)
June 10, 2006
Deeper
There are so many juicy things I could write about, but I can't find the right way to get them out on to paper. Maybe I just don't like to make myself that transparent.
For the most part, I have been taught to be pessimistic. The glass is mostly empty and the world is out to get me. Trusting people doesn't come easily and I worry that most people don't have a vested interest in me and who I am. I feel lonely all too often and wonder if my friendships will ever reach a point where others will call me first when they have something important they want to share with someone. I wait for them to make the first move and wonder if they will ever call to inquire about how I am.
My intentions in having a blog were to think out loud about my artistic ventures... To just write about things that pertain to me and my art, but that may be impossible to do since who I am is so tied into my artistic ways and inspriations.
In light of what is going on around the world, my silly wories seems so trivial: People are blowing themselves up for what they believe in... Children are being turned into drug dependent soldiers who hack friends and loved ones apart... Women and young children are treated as if they are not a necessary part of the world... There are poor souls being exploited by those in the sex trade and those who live for their cravings... People are dying because they have no food or medicine... So what are we supposed to do? My little world seems so unimportant inlight of what heaven has to deal with everyday. But somehow that great and awesome God cares just as much for me as he does all of them. But still, peace is so elusive. And drowning in self pity satistifies somehow.
So, who knows what I'll hash out each time. But I am looking forward to it. Sometimes I worry that it will be more depressing than not. But isn't that life? Let me know if it isn't...
Posted by mindy on 07:42 AM | Comments (0)
June 06, 2006
Vacation
Everyday on vacation feels like a free pass to do whatever you feel like. You embrace the freedom the deepest way you know how and you hope for peace inside, even if just for a short time. Here at the beach life just seems to breath a little slower, even with three little people in tow.
I always dream of vacation at the beach as being a time of peaceful reflection and relaxation. A time of gorging on sweets and delicious foods that I know have no nutritional value. A time of shopping for little treasures that will remind me of the beach all year long. I also dream of having tons of time to paint and create. To be inspired by the sea, the sun, and the sand and all the treasures that those three things lay before me. I dream of sitting with my kids and doing creative and fun things together. Or photo-graphing them on the beach. Just gathering all these savory moments to relish in later.
But ever since we have been able to afford a vacation at the beach, we've had kids. There has always been little people to clean up and put to bed. Little ones to think of when you want to eat ice cream after dark. Or someone else to think of when entering one of those quaint little beach shops with goodies beckoning to you from the store-front window. And for the most part, anything with a toddler is trying and somewhat difficult to accomplish. I know my baby won't always be a baby, but getting through these first two years can be downright frustrating.
But somehow we make it fun. We forget the rules. We feed them junk food more often than not and take them places they will love to see. We spend money on those silly games until someone wins. We ride on rinky-dink rides and haul a bunch a of crud from one end of creation to the other.
My ideal notions of a peaceful and inspirational vacation have changed over the years. And for now I really love having my kids around to do fun things with, but I sometimes get grumpy that vacation is anything but that at times. Nevertheless, one day I wil get my peaceful vacation where I will paint, read books, and shop for beach town treasures. But I will probably spend a lot of my time reflecting on the days I am living right now.
So, with that in mind, I will rest now, knowing tomorrow is sure to be another busy day of "vacation."
Posted by mindy on 11:04 PM | Comments (0)
June 01, 2006
Room to Breathe
So, I've been riding on this high for a few days. Being called an artist truely inspires me to live up to such a title. So, today, I went to a little cafe and sat outside. I read a little and ate a "Delicious" salad (that is the actual name of the salad, really!). Then I pulled out my watercolors and paper. Stuck the earphones in my ears and cranked up a little Snow Patrol on my Nano.
I started painting not sure what I would end up with. But there was a colomn to my left in front of me and I decided to use it as part of the frame for my painting. It turned into a marble column, which isn't at all what it was, and the landscape before me transformed from a suburban development of Pike Creek into a Tuscan landscape. I can't seem to help myself somtimes. I am in love with idea of the peaceful surroudings of an Italian villa. I long to one day vacation at one while taking art classes that will transform my talents into solid goods. I've drawn and painted them a few times before. Never having really seen them, even though I was in Florence once, they continue to elude me. I can never seem to capture them the way I think they should look.
But, anyway, at first I felt a bit self-concious taking out my instruments in broad daylight and preparing to paint away. Then I realized that every person passing by me was dressed in work clothes (probably breaking from Bank of America across the street). I felt this sense of freedom. Here I was with my music, my tools, and a beautiful day, and they all probably wished they could have the chance to be so free. I thanked God above for the freedom I had and painted what my mind was drawing. I knew that I could very well be one of those dressed up people if the cards had fallen differently. After an hour or so I felt enough satisfaction with what I had done to pack things up and head on to my next task: filling my kid's perscription.
All in all it was a good day. My paints were wettened, my brush's bristles were cracked and moistened, and some of that pent up artistic energy flowed onto the crisp paper before me. Inhale, exhale. I finally took a breath...
Posted by mindy on 09:46 PM | Comments (0)