Dreaming
All too often I find myself wishing I had time to do things other than whatever I am doing at that moment. I wish for art-time, quality-time, mid-life time, whatever. Just time to do something that would bring me a moment of peace.
But I wonder, if I were able to dedicate some of my time to some important matter in the world (i.e. saving lives or rescuing hurting people from wars, or feeding the impoverished) would I feel the same need? Would I feel so much more fulfilled that daydreaming for something more meaningful would not even be necessary? So much of my life is filled with the humdrum of daily chores. Doing things that most of my family takes for granted, but needs to be done so I am less irritated by my surroundings.
Some say not to wish these years away. But I will say that I wish I were on the other side. I wish I could have conversation with my kids and husband and feel some deeper connection. Don’t get me wrong, I do have that sometimes. But my spirit longs for more. I end up feeling just blah so much of the time because life lacks meaning and joy. I seem bogged down with guilt that I am not doing anything right by anyone. I view my self poorly most of the time and see others as having a better life as far as their relationships/friendships go. And maybe I just don’t know how to be a good friend. But whatever it is I wish I could just jump ahead to a time when I am at peace with myself. A point in time when I don’t second guess my words and actions. A point in time when I can actually remember things. A point in time when I feel free.
