Just shoot off my drawing hand, why don’t ya?
I am racked with emotions right now. That big exciting art show is only two days away. And I naively thought I had something of worth to show. I took my “prized” painting to a frame shop to get it matted, when finally asked about the piece the woman was looking to confirm her thoughts that it was a painting of conch shells. Conch shells!!? It is supposed to be a rose… Or maybe a peony at best. But shells? I was crushed. I didn’t even feel like getting it matted anymore after that.
Okay, let me step back a minute an fill everyone in on what I painted. After sketching the rose picture, I felt that the photo I was working from was too blurry to render a real likeness in paint. So, I chose another photo (one I saved from a magazine). I took on the project with zest and energy thinking I could capture it. After many long nightly hours, I decided to hurry through it and just get it done. In the end I was happy with its likeness knowing full well that it was not a masterpiece. It lacked depth and perspective. It wasn’t proportional and was in need of a lot of professional tips. But, alas, I am an amateur and can only do amateur work.
Anyway, it makes me angry when I look at it because I know it isn’t perfect. I mean, come on, it was interpreted as conch shells! Albeit, she was looking at it upside down, but still. If you can’t tell what a picture is from every angle than you haven’t conquered replicating what you see. The poor woman was careful not to make too many comments about it at first. And once she did, and was wrong, she tried really hard to throw in some encouragement. But it was too late. The pain was twisting in my gut and pulling at my brain. I kept hearing myself think “ouch” and “Ugg, I am such a moron! Why did I bring this here? I am so stupid.” Every time I play it over in my head, which has been several thousand times now, I feel like I am being punched.
This was a total blow to my ego. See, I was envisioning being at this art show and being “discovered.” And having someone ask “How much?” and I would offer something over $100 and they would flatteringly say “Are you crazy? It is worth much more than that!” But I tend to “script” scenarios in my head all the time hoping for the “wow” factor to finally be mine. I do it with everything, from I what I cook, to what I say, to what I create, to what I look like. To just know that I have “wowed” someone with what I can do. That is really personal, but true. Maybe if I put that ugly little beast out there it will run away from me and leave me alone. The truth is though, that if anyone gives me “props” I get really embarrassed and wish I could hide. As much as I want the acceptance, I hate the attention. In fact, I probably started this blog with the idea of getting some acceptance (i.e. the bit about asking for comments). But if I talk to people in person about the stuff on here I get all choked up and want to run far away from the conversation. Which is silly, but the anonymity of blogging is its appeal.
So anyway, here is the painting. I take pride in teaching myself how to capture the water drops. I had to look in books and practice a little before I understood how to make them appear 3D. It lacks a lot of perspective and must be labeled abstract, especially since it could be mistaken for the inside of conchs. I guess I can see how the colors are similar. Oh, well. I will press on. I have a few paintings framed and ready for LAZERTOWN! Hopefully, I won’t feel like slithering under a rock when I am there. I fear being put to shame by others who have “mad skills.” (see ‚ÄúNapoleon Dynamite‚Äù for correct meaning)
If you’ve read down this point, thanks for listening. Pray against fear. It took me two hours to get to sleep last night and that was without the mistaken identity of my painting! And once I did sleep, two of my kids took turns waking me up. When I awoke in the morning the family was sleeping in our room, minus the three year old who missed the party. And yes, he noticed…
P.S. Are we all so insecure? It seems to me, the more I really get to know people the more I realize that everyone hides their deep, embarrassed self. Burying it way below the surface until finally they crack and the truth erupts and out comes the hot lava of self-loathing, jealousy, and feelings of inadequacy. Just curious… Good night
mindy..i know how you feel..i will say a prayer for you. and for the record.. your painting is BEAUTIFUL!! i love it!! you are a talented woman and art IS a gift of yours..no one can take it away from you. love, sarah
Mindy, you put into clear, articulate words exactly how I feel about every single artistic endeavor I have ever undertaken. I, too, am always eager for someone to notice and point out what is really special and unique about me. ut then, when someone does compliment me, I get all embarrassed and try to minimalize the comment. Oh, well.
The painting is very nice. I would never mistake it for anything but the soft, billowing petals of a blooming rose.
If you ever feel particularly uncreative, take a good, hard look at those three beautiful children that you, together with Joe, created. They are sensational, breathtaking, unique, and entirely yours.
I think that the art show will go fine this weekend. Having your art on display- even if no one offers you $1.3 million for your amazing rendering of “conch shells”- will boost your confidence and give you an accomplishment that not many amateur artists have.
Until then- try to get some sleep!
the picture is so closed in that someone might mistake a photograph of it for conch shells, so don’t worry. it’s more showing just how lots of elements in nature kind of look like each other, a commonality in all of them.
I really think it is beautiful–I like the black background contrasting with the pastel petals. And the more you show your art, the less scary it gets. I know God is going to bless you for stepping out in the art show–way to go, Mindy!