Movement
In two weeks from today my much anticipated trip to California for an artistic safari will be half over. I have no idea what state of mind I will be in; no comprehension of how deeply this trip will affect me. I just feel utterly confused about how I will make it through. I am paralyzed just thinking about it.
Just two years ago I longed for this very experience. I dreamt about time to myself… the peace and quite… the flowing energy of creativity… the personal space… the lack of familial responsibility. I am sure I complained more often than not about how crazy my life felt… How bitter I was to have to clean up after others.
But I have had new light shine on my heart in recent weeks. It seems that there is this part of me that is ready to embrace family life as I never have before. This peacefulness in knowing that I am the “mom” of a few little people who cling to me before anyone else. And now it just seems so hard to leave that. I know I am to come back after a week, but it feels like so much longer. I feel like when I have to go out that door and say good bye to these sweet little people, and a truly great husband, that I will be ripping a piece of my heart out and handing it to them… Something very deep in me will break. I almost feel like I can’t do it. Like it’s going to be so hard to leave that something in me will turn my feet to lead and prevent me from taking another step. Maybe it’s because my kids are finally at a place where I can really enjoy all three of them at the same time. (You have no idea how much I have longed for this in the past 5 years!) Maybe it’s because my preschooler will have his last day of school while I am gone and I won’t be there to witness it. Maybe it’s because my first grader seems so grown up for his age that I feel like I am leaving a friend. Maybe it’s because my baby girl won’t be there in the morning for those few days to greet me with her sugary smile, her arm full of blankies and her wildly unkept bed head. Maybe it’s just the fact that I have to let go of some control. Not that I really have any ability to control the mass mayhem we coexist in in this little universe called our house on a daily basis. In fact, I seem to become a strange wild-eyed, wrinkled-evil-browed monster more often than I care to acknowledge on any given day. Well, from the truths just stated I guess that is why I need to get away.
But gripping pangs of loneliness fill my heart when I think of just how alone I will be. I will know no one. There will be no one to just sit with and feel at ease. There will be no one waiting for me to get my things together. No one to anchor myself to. It’s like walking into the school cafeteria all over again. Those horrible anxious feelings of dread that you won’t find anyone to sit with. And that all too uneasy feeling of insecurity. Normally, I am ready to take on the challenge and meet new people. And make new friends. But something in my life has changed. I have anchors now. And I like them. I have friends who I can rely on and am not looking for new ones. I know, I know, its just for a week. But at night I will be all alone… I am just having a hard time swallowing the loneliness. I just hope that the independent spirit that has driven me to many wonderful experiences in my life will rise up for this one. It just feels like that part of me is dormant.
Maybe if I just write it all out and have this cry-fest, I’ll be able embrace this goodness that has been handed to me and drink it in deeply. I just need to continue to pray for a strength that isn’t in me. A strength that allows me to be certain that while things are not in my control they are in the best hands they can be left in. Once I surrender my fears over to the Creator of all good things created, I will be able to run ahead and grab hold of the amazing gift I have been given.
Now that I have said all that who in the world would ever want to read so much babbling? But I feel much better now…
Here is the cherry blossom painting and a wave too
Hi Mind,
Just a word of encouragement. You’re a kind, fun, and attractive person, so I am sure others will be drawn to you. I don’t think you’ll be alone. Even if you feel that way, you got a savior to talk to–if only in your mind.
Love ya,
CJ
Now is the time to create.
Wow- that’s quite a musing! Thank you for sharing from the depths of what you are feeling. Your “anchors” will be praying for you while you are on this adventure, and that will help! I know that this leap you are taking will produce fruit beyond what you imagine. After all, anything worth doing is risky and difficult, right?