Hope and Faith
It’s 1:39AM and I can’t sleep. Today was a difficult day. We wept with some very dear friends as they said their peace and good-byes to their second stillborn baby, Hope Amanda. There are no words for sadness such as this. No solace to offer for the broken hearts of the parents and their loved ones. No words of simplicity for the young siblings that were eagerly awaiting the arrival of a new family member that again would never come home to greet them. No peace when you think of how much it must hurt to let go of your baby and be sent home.
I got to meet this little sweet child last week and say hello and good-bye all in one breath. I held her in my arms, I feel so in awe to be trusted with such a delicate moment in time.
There are so many things rushing through my mind. So many thoughts of bewilderment. Everyone who came together today had the same thing to say over and over “It’s just so sad… I just want to do something for them… somehow help… Somehow alleviate all the pain they must bear.” But there are no words that seem to fit. No actions that could suffice. No peace that seems to follow.
My faith is tested. How could a great and awesome God allow such sadness to happen? To have to give birth to one lost baby surely is sad enough. But to have to leave another behind, and such a short while after the first, just seems so cruel. Maybe God doesn’t control things like this. They just happen. But then how could the universe be that cruel either. This family’s first baby was named Malachi. Due to extenuating circumstance I was not able to attend his service last July. My heart broke as I thought of all that this family was going through. This past spring I had another friend loose her baby mid-term. These two families know each other. It seems unreal to happen at all, let alone to two people close in that same circle of friends.
My faith goes around in circles. If I try to deny the existence of a huge and perfect God, I come back around to the conclusion that it simply couldn’t be so. How could all that breathes in this world just evolve so perfectly by chance… the symmetry and detail of the human body, the inner workings of leaves and stems, the growth of a seed into anything at all, the tides of the ocean working with the moon, the colors of the spectrum, gemstones in their brilliance, the intrinsic trust a child has in their parent. There are so many things that just can’t be explained by chance. And yet I am struggling to feel connected to a faith that I have known so familiarly in the past 30 or so years of my life. I know deep within my soul that I could not fully deny God’s existence… It is embedded in my flesh, it is the life that brings hope when I allow it to come in, and in times like these when I struggle to believe it is there still it reminds me to hold on to the truths I have known. In these wee hours of the night, when the hum of the refrigerator and the stillness of the house leave me deep in my thoughts and allow me to just be, I am reminded that those who trust in this God of Hope, trust in that which is left when the well runs dry, when logic and good faith don’t seem like enough, when hope and peace seems so far away…
There is a simple song my heart cries out. A song that I am resolved to sing when I am continually asking God “Why?!” to so many questions.
“Well sometimes my life just don’t make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small
So hold me Jesus ’cause I’m shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won’t You be my Prince of Peace
And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It’s so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart
So hold me Jesus ’cause I’m shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won’t You be my Prince of Peace
Surrender don’t come natural to me
I’d rather fight You for something I don’t really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I’ve beat my head against so many walls
Now I’m falling down I’m falling on my knees
And this Salvation Army band is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin
I’m singing hold me Jesus ’cause I’m shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won’t You be my Prince of Peace
You have been King of my glory
Won’t You be my Prince of Peace ”
-Rich Mullins
I just hope and pray that when I wake up feeling the after effects of weeping and the sadness for friends dearly loved, that there will be grace for me to function for my kids, grace to go beyond the tired eyes and the achy body, grace to hope for new life to grow in places that seem so dark. But I am reminded very quickly that the grace needed for me is surely nothing compared to that which this family needs every minute of the day. May God bring His peace to them in abundance…
(The above painting is a card given to the family.)
