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January 21, 2008
Mind Bloggeling
So, I have issues. Yep, who doesn't? Anxiety is a horrible body-gripping, mind-blowing, intense creature that lurks right outside of any peaceful moment. And it has found me to attack.
I used think I was strong and fearless. I felt that I could do anything challenging, and end with my head held high. I actually filled out an application for the reality show "Survivor" back when I was a new mom. I figured having given birth au-naturel, I could handle anything. But in these last few months I have come to see how weak I really am.
I am vulnerable. Like a tender shoot or a new spring leaf cascading from a bloom that is just barely peaking out at the sun. Panic comes welling up in me at any given time of the day and threatens to shut off the very breathe that keeps me going.
But there is good news. I had a break-through. A realization that I am terrified of death. More importantly the death of loved ones I have not yet reconciled myself to.
Many times a day I am gripped with fear that I will stop breathing all together. That the tightness in my throat will win and that the gripping, gnawing fear surrounding my heart will eventually grasp so tight that it will make my heart explode. That is how I define my panic. I have only experienced a full blown panic attack twice. One that catastrophically set me on a downward drop off a tall cliff... And I have been climbing up ever since. The other, just occurred the other night. And before it could spin completely out of control I got help from a dear friend who talked me back to reality. Patiently waiting and encouraging me as I breathed in and out into a brown paper bag.
Humbling, very humbling. And yet I meet people all the time who have experienced this as well. So, I guess misery really does love company. But all in all I know there is a higher good to come of all this. There is a plan taking shape... A journey being walked... And in the end I WILL be a survivor...
Posted by mindy on 10:16 PM | Comments (1)
January 13, 2008
Renoir
I recently went to a once in a lifetime event... An exhibit of Renoir Landscapes only being shown at one museum in the United States: The Philadelphia Art Museum. It was amazing...
Renior was an up and coming artist at a time of ground-breaking new ideas. As one of the first impressionists, he pushed to make painting go to a new level. The little bit of information I knew about him before I went to this exhibit was only that he was an impressionist and that his painting style was unique and started a new realm in the world of art.
A few interesting things stayed with me from that day. The label impressionists gave to their painting style was "en plein air" meaning "to paint in the open air." He and fellow impressionists painted from a point of view that took the viewer in to a moment in time depicting a scene that had happened while portraying an idea of movement in the painting. To see this first hand was breath-taking. I was only inches away from the repetitive strokes and the genius behind them. It was so inspiring. I have wanted to get out my oil paints, for the first time mind you, and try to replicate what I saw. Of course, it never happened and it has been a week. I think that may be why life is hard for me at times. It would be nice to be one of those people who creates at any whim and lives for the moment, but that isn't a mother's life, nor a Christian's, and in the end it would be empty I suppose... but still it would be nice to grab the moment when the inspiration hits... To cease the day and bring forth amazing beauty. Then again maybe at this point in my life, I would most likely be dissatisfied with the outcome and my lack of talent. But this too is just a season...
Just one of the paintings I saw...
What amazes me is the tiny little brush strokes that make up the light and shadows and even the objects you see.
Posted by mindy on 09:47 AM | Comments (1)
January 11, 2008
In THAT Place
So, life is filled with moments, right? Joyful moments, restful moments, angry moments, frustrated moments, fearful moments, stressful moments, loving moments, peaceful moments, pondering moments, inspirational moments... And for some, emotionally toxic moments that can leave scars, or emotionally exhilarating moments that change a life forever... Whatever they are these moments add up to a lifetime one day. And you sit back and evaluate where your heart has been all those years.
At 33, I am starting to hit a mid-life crisis. I am unhappy with my current employment (motherhood and housekeeping), disinterested in things that used to bring me joy, and more often than not, filled with an electrical charge that surges through me making me want to run off and spend my waking hours only in peace... creating... only doing things for me... only taking care of me... or only drinking in a spiritual peace only found when truly resting in God.
I am selfish. I am self-centered and self-consumed. I see myself in a new mirror and wonder how I ended up looking so worn and beaten down. I find myself full of stress and unable to relax. I freak out at my kids for being kids (running in the house, making messes, fighting, asking unending questions). I freak out at my husband for what ever. I am worn out. It doesn't help that I am probably still recovering from the mono. Nor, does it help that I have a newly diagnosed anxiety disorder that keeps me from being able to function normally in a stressful situation. I also can't help feeling guilty all the time for not doing anything better.
But I do have good days... It's just that today is not one of them.
I am not going to bother getting into the details of a day like today. The ups, the downs, the lows, the lack of highs. Basically, the kids are in bed and all I can do is sit, breathe, write, and cry. The person I am today is not who I wanted to be.
I used to dream of who I would be at the age I am now. I wanted to be joyful about parenting, happy about serving my family, kind and giving to friends. Instead, I feel achy and nervous and impatient and tired. I got very little sleep last night which doesn't help. But the lack of sleep turned me into a mess.
I know that God gives us grace when things are hard, but today I have realized that I am not under that grace because my mind is so fixed on me.
I have found I have two passions: giving of myself to strangers and making them feel loved and accepted; and creating things that resemble some part of me. Is that bad? Selfish?
I know I am not in a strong closeness to God right now. In fact, I pretty much feel like He is a sidenote. And I know that is not a good place to be for raising a family. But I seem to forget about a lot of things these days... And not to belittle God, but I forget He is with me all the time.
I don't know what I am getting at. Just that I need a lot of prayer. Prayer to the Living and True God for a re-creation of me into who I am meant to be. So, I know I write this mainly for me, but if anyone reads this and feels led to let me know they have shot up a few words for me to Father above, I really would appreciate knowing it... : )
By the way, newest favorite music: Ingrid Michealson... check her out at www.ingridmichaelson.com
Posted by mindy on 08:13 PM | Comments (4)