In THAT Place
So, life is filled with moments, right? Joyful moments, restful moments, angry moments, frustrated moments, fearful moments, stressful moments, loving moments, peaceful moments, pondering moments, inspirational moments… And for some, emotionally toxic moments that can leave scars, or emotionally exhilarating moments that change a life forever… Whatever they are these moments add up to a lifetime one day. And you sit back and evaluate where your heart has been all those years.
At 33, I am starting to hit a mid-life crisis. I am unhappy with my current employment (motherhood and housekeeping), disinterested in things that used to bring me joy, and more often than not, filled with an electrical charge that surges through me making me want to run off and spend my waking hours only in peace… creating… only doing things for me… only taking care of me… or only drinking in a spiritual peace only found when truly resting in God.
I am selfish. I am self-centered and self-consumed. I see myself in a new mirror and wonder how I ended up looking so worn and beaten down. I find myself full of stress and unable to relax. I freak out at my kids for being kids (running in the house, making messes, fighting, asking unending questions). I freak out at my husband for what ever. I am worn out. It doesn’t help that I am probably still recovering from the mono. Nor, does it help that I have a newly diagnosed anxiety disorder that keeps me from being able to function normally in a stressful situation. I also can’t help feeling guilty all the time for not doing anything better.
But I do have good days… It’s just that today is not one of them.
I am not going to bother getting into the details of a day like today. The ups, the downs, the lows, the lack of highs. Basically, the kids are in bed and all I can do is sit, breathe, write, and cry. The person I am today is not who I wanted to be.
I used to dream of who I would be at the age I am now. I wanted to be joyful about parenting, happy about serving my family, kind and giving to friends. Instead, I feel achy and nervous and impatient and tired. I got very little sleep last night which doesn’t help. But the lack of sleep turned me into a mess.
I know that God gives us grace when things are hard, but today I have realized that I am not under that grace because my mind is so fixed on me.
I have found I have two passions: giving of myself to strangers and making them feel loved and accepted; and creating things that resemble some part of me. Is that bad? Selfish?
I know I am not in a strong closeness to God right now. In fact, I pretty much feel like He is a sidenote. And I know that is not a good place to be for raising a family. But I seem to forget about a lot of things these days… And not to belittle God, but I forget He is with me all the time.
I don’t know what I am getting at. Just that I need a lot of prayer. Prayer to the Living and True God for a re-creation of me into who I am meant to be. So, I know I write this mainly for me, but if anyone reads this and feels led to let me know they have shot up a few words for me to Father above, I really would appreciate knowing it… : )
By the way, newest favorite music: Ingrid Michealson… check her out at www.ingridmichaelson.com
I’m not one to talk, b/c I’m in the same boat. (welcome aboard) But I do know one thing that helps – time out in creation. Take time to walk, run, bike, run or sit outside, away. Find a hiding place with you and Him alone. You will find peace. You will find it. Don’t give up hope.
I’m definitely praying for you Mindy. CJ and I think about you, Joe and the kids all the time. We love you so much and know that we are always praying for and thinking of you.
Thanks guys for letting me know you are out there! I covet your prayers, as I am sure you covet mine… which do happen… eventaully
Hey Mind–I am sorry things have been so hard lately. Please know that you aren’t alone–and I am praying for you, too…