Mind Bloggeling
So, I have issues. Yep, who doesn’t? Anxiety is a horrible body-gripping, mind-blowing, intense creature that lurks right outside of any peaceful moment. And it has found me to attack.
I used think I was strong and fearless. I felt that I could do anything challenging, and end with my head held high. I actually filled out an application for the reality show “Survivor” back when I was a new mom. I figured having given birth au-naturel, I could handle anything. But in these last few months I have come to see how weak I really am.
I am vulnerable. Like a tender shoot or a new spring leaf cascading from a bloom that is just barely peaking out at the sun. Panic comes welling up in me at any given time of the day and threatens to shut off the very breathe that keeps me going.
But there is good news. I had a break-through. A realization that I am terrified of death. More importantly the death of loved ones I have not yet reconciled myself to.
Many times a day I am gripped with fear that I will stop breathing all together. That the tightness in my throat will win and that the gripping, gnawing fear surrounding my heart will eventually grasp so tight that it will make my heart explode. That is how I define my panic. I have only experienced a full blown panic attack twice. One that catastrophically set me on a downward drop off a tall cliff… And I have been climbing up ever since. The other, just occurred the other night. And before it could spin completely out of control I got help from a dear friend who talked me back to reality. Patiently waiting and encouraging me as I breathed in and out into a brown paper bag.
Humbling, very humbling. And yet I meet people all the time who have experienced this as well. So, I guess misery really does love company. But all in all I know there is a higher good to come of all this. There is a plan taking shape… A journey being walked… And in the end I WILL be a survivor…
min..thanks for being so honest..i can really relate to what you are saying..i think each day, as we fight through thoughts that would bring us down, we grow stronger..im learning that God is strong enough for me..strong enough to make my weak self strong..only He can do that for me..i love ya and am excited to hang out when we are feeling better ( ive been feeling sick too:(..i will let you know soon..