Putting it into words that are coherent enough to follow is difficult...

Issues, a word used so often these days, refer to those hideous, difficult things we all need to work on. I, for one, am very aware of my issues. They have plagued me for years and I realize now that they are like scabs that itch and irritate but just need time to heal. No instant thing will make them better or heal them throughly. All of the things I use to try to fill these deep, cataclysmic holes in my psyche are never enough.

One of my biggest issues is a need for comfort. Comforting places, things, sounds, foods, talks, experiences... I just need to feel comforted... A lot. For as long as I can remember, I have craved peacefulness inside and out. I have wanted my environment to be peaceful, so that my mind can be peaceful. In many cases, aloneness was peacefulness. I was happy to do things alone (movies, coffee shops, museums) and in fact I would feel a bit crazy if I didn't get this time. That was until some thing changed in the past two years. I went from needing comforting solitude to needing comforting friends, thus experiences. Why? Well, like all deep-seeded issues, I think it started with my family's inability to care for one another on an emotional level. It just isn't there. My little brother is my closest (emotionally) sibling. I can talk to him and not feel like I am revealing things that he won't treat with respect and gentleness. He is the only of my four siblings and two parents who reads (and cares about) my blog. The others just don't seem interested in my life... And I have taken their cues through all the years and have done the same to them. We don't call each other... We don't hang out... We catch up once in a while and keep things easy to deal with. And maybe none of them really have anything to say, but I know there is a lot I DON'T say.

But I am moving forward and chipping away at the issues... I tell the little girl inside that life is different now and that those feelings of being neglected emotionally are not who I am anymore... And someday I will be old and I want to get to that point feeling like I got healthy along the way...