The Weekend in LA
The weekend flew by like a bird in flight. Soaring in greatness upon a blue canvas… then gone. Directed, purposeful, graceful … but now gone. People I love dearly who take me for what I am and let me be just that, shared a few days of my life and I with theirs.
THE VIEW
Good food… Good conversations that course through me and bring me to life and reach into the things I have so little energy and time to talk of on a regular basis. And with my kids a thousand miles away… I had no one needing me to do things for them. No one waiting for me to step in and mediate a fight for which I have no interest in getting involved in but am involved in nonetheless. No one wondering why I am not getting my job done in time (like the clothes they need for whatever). No one looking for something I absent-mindedly put away to clear space, and thus my mind. A time to feel refreshed, unburdened, restful. I am so grateful. I ask myself over and over why I would be privy to such a luxury and there is no answer. I am simply just living my life. And now I am here on a plane (with OTHER people’s kids screaming) coming home from a weekend to remember… A new memory.
This was the kind of trip I would read of in a book and long to be those characters. I spent time doing things I don’t do at home: living with no schedule and no one to worry about but ME, walking on the beach and talking about deep things, eating out everyday at places of all kinds, hiking up steep mountains and seeing all of LA far below and the ocean in it glory (although, i had to imagine it because it was shrouded in clouds… a fire or just clouds.. whatever you get the point), listening to a person singing on the street for money, shopping in a make up store for like an hour and no one was waiting around impatiently as I found the right colors of eyeshadow, taking a nap for as long as i wanted in the middle of the afternoon… Ahh, it was definitely a vacation like none I have ever experienced before. Of course, not the BEST vacation because that would include Joe too! The best thing is that I did these things with the very same people that used to live near me and I would have loved to do these things with them back home, but the time never presented itself.
I shopped at the Promenade in LA. And went to dinner with a Darbs. We talked on the beach till we were shivering and starving. The next day we hiked and then I spent time with my younger brother and my sister in law. We went to Malibu (yes, that same Malibu for which the infamous Barbie doll was named after). We shopped where the stars shop and hung out in their favorite places. We even went on a little strand of a Malibu beach. Only I am sure we were the only ones who weren’t Latino! We kept missing the turns for the other beaches and tis was our last one in Malibu. So, we quickly left there since we could only walk about 20 feet and turn around it was that small. We then went to a much bigger beach where we walked and talked and laughed and shared. It was one of the best times of my life. I am usually not very connected to my family at home… For whatever reason, so this time was extremely special to me.
The only sad thing was that Joe was not there to enjoy it with me. He was sweating it out at home. Balancing all that must be balanced when alone as a father and tending to work as well as kids (and kids are a career in and of themselves!). Wow… I may not be as gracious as he has been. I would more than likely resent all the fun he was having and be upset that I was not having some too. Here is a little secret of mine… There is something that happens to me when I am home with my kids. I get sucked into a state of loneliness. Feelings of anger and disconnectedness with the outside world well up and I feel cheated by life and all the happiness that it can offer. I can’t snap out of it even if I want to. It hangs on me like a weight, an emotional weight. And I carry it begrudgingly around and torture everyone around who deserves nothing more than the sweetness that I should be able to provide but feel too defeated to give. Life can be so difficult, even when it seems it shouldn’t be. My life can seem daunting and hard to get through for reasons that my seem simple to others. But to me it’s hard. After all, no one else has to live in my mind or my body. And they are my reality. With their constant streaming thoughts of inadequacy and their constant unexplainable pains and aches (but the aches and pains are another story). It’s like some sort of brain washing occurs in those hours at home. I feel unable to control my mind’s thoughts (thoughts of loneliness, boredom, and frustration) and soon the torture they give me turns into obsessively needing to get outside, find a public place where maybe, just maybe, I can connect with someone about anything. Most of the time I get obsessive about clutter in the house… Like somehow that will relieve the stress of the daunting, snickering thoughts that drive me into a tail spin of everyone and everything being inadequate like me. The crazy thing is that actually it is everyday life sometimes. Joe can be no further than his office in the basement and I start slipping into crazy-stressed-out-mommy mode.
It should be known that I am doing exactly what I wanted to. I married a great man. I have a nice sized family. And I don’t have to work outside the home. A life that romantically seemed perfect growing up, but oblivious to what adults really do. But it should also be known that I climbed on board to this ship of adulthood and domestic responsibility under prepared. I don’t have a law degree, nor did I go through the grueling training of the police academy, but for some reason I am supposed to know how to break up a fight and find justice for all. This, my friends, is not my forte’. And so it makes my job stressful. Figuring out how to be just in the midst of a smack down in my living room (and stay sane at the same time) is like asking me to become a rocket scientist and draw up the plans right then and there. Sure, I can draw you something, but be forewarned it will not resemble what might be needed to get the job done. Nor, did I attend culinary arts school and learn the proper preparations necessary for a variety of meals that the doting mothers on television place before their always appreciative families. Oh, and it should be stated that I didn’t have a clue how to run a hotel with a laundry service either.
All that said, I have an amazing husband who diligently provides for his family and does more than I ever expect in ways of domestic responsibility (plus, he isn’t the one nagging about what it isn’t getting done, that’s me). But it must be known that while he is truly one of a kind, he’s not perfect of course! But perfect for me.
It must also be said that I absolutely love my kids. They certainly aren’t little monsters. They are just kids. Kids that are just as emotional as adults, only they act upon it. And the adults, who (should) know better, have to teach them how to stop. That way when they grow up they can teach their own little ones how to shut down those impulses and become civil like they should. But that can be draining… But I digress.
Whew. It felt good to get all that out! So, now, after a weekend of feeling like “me” again I am heading back home. The place where everything happens and where my life carries on and I jump into its river and carry along with it. The meals, the school volunteering, the soccer games and practices, the never-ending laundry and grocery shopping, the dusting, the vacuuming, the blah, blah, blah. (Breathe, I must remember to breathe.)
For now, I am reveling in the solace of being alone with my thoughts…. Which after a weekend like this can be nothing short of peaceful and rich in goodness.
(I wrote this upon flying home… I am too tired now to edit and make it clear. So, up it will go on the blog as is. Ce la vie! Or however the heck you spell it.)
THE HIKE
THE LITTLE BRO
THE MALIBU BIT
mindy–thanks so much for sharing this–I loved reading it!
I know you were serious when you wrote it, but for some reason the part about you not having a law degree or police training but being expected to bring justice to all made me laugh.
Mothers really do have to be jack-of-all-trades, huh?
I am so glad you had such a beautiful trip in California–it’s a great place for some decompression, that’s for sure.
Mindy, You are an articulate, honest, brave person. I am so glad you had this vacation of being you. I identify with the feelings you have expressed. Going back to work parttime has helped me find the me that’s not just a mother. hey- i am free on tuesdays and thursdays so we should meet at the hockesin park with the girls or some other place.
Lov ya,
meags
Hi Min,
I hope this comment actually reaches you. I am so glad that your time with us was so special. It was wonderful for us, too; and we were so incredibly thankful for your time with here.
thanks guys!! i love comments, although i am not very good at responding. sorry about that.
jess~thanks for your kind words… blogging really is like a therapy of sorts isn’t it? and the california coast really does decompress a person… a lot!! and yeah, i cracked myself up as i wrote the part about the smack down. of course, my kids don’t ever really smack each other… except capri… she can really cause a ruckus! she is a tough cookie and we haven’t quite figured out where we went wrong, but she is harder than the boys!!!
meags~thanks for your comments too. i hardly think i articulate as beautifully as i would like too, but i am really glad you loved reading it. as for the park… i would love to!
CJ~i love ya, man… can’t wait to see you again at the wedding! it should be interesting at the least!