That Which We Become
So, my plan is to archive my art history. Anything I have that I have made through the years will end up in the Gallery. I have works from high school on. Although I have done a lot since early childhood, I didn’t really hang on to too much. I think as I got better I decided the old drawings were too unrefined to keep. Which is sad because I would love to line it all up and see where I have I come from.
I was fortunate enough to take some art classes as a kid. I remember drawing a pastel picture of a sitting rabbit. Its front legs were really long and out of proportion (… Like it’s creator. I used to get called “daddy long-legs” for it. Just by my family, but still it skewed how I saw myself). I also remember getting to draw a pair of hanging apples on a branch. The paper we used was wooden. It rolled up like paper but was wooden on the front. Completely smooth with grains and varying hues of yellows and browns. I remember very distinctly that I made some mistakes that I could not reverse. And every time I looked at it I felt so frustrated because I actually was very happy with it at one point during its construction. But somehow I decided it just needed a little something more. I went out of the lines and totally hated what it was becoming. I wanted so badly to make a new one. I wanted to have a chance to prove to myself that I could do it just right. But, alas, no such luck. That portion of the class was over. And my picture was what it was. For years, I held on to that picture in my closet. And every time I looked at it the frustration came back. So, I guess the disgust got the better of me one day and out in to the trash it went. There were others like it as the years went by. Things that I knew could be better but for what ever reason didn’t get the attention they should have. And they too, ended up getting tossed out.
So, now here I am in my thirties creating in spare moments (which are far and few between but becoming more available as my kids head off to school). If I finish something and do not like it, well, I feel all that treasured time is wasted. So, I rip up or destroy that which took some time/life from me and gave back no satisfaction in return. I want no remembrance of it. No trace of the frustration it caused me to feel. Sure, it isn’t the object that offended me but my own mistakes in creating it. And that is a feeling I do not want to revel in.
Sometimes I wonder just how much I would find pleasure in creating had I just gotten that degree in Fine Arts. My parents wanted me to, but I felt so driven to make people’s lives better. I figured a degree in Social Work/Counseling would really be beneficial to the world. Afterall, I didn’t want to end up a starving artist. But in the end I have only used that aforementioned degree in varying moments. At the time in which I chose my area of “expertise”, I felt compeled to get that degree for the shear fact that God had delivered me through counseling I had received and I should only do the same for others. Besides, at the time, my view of artists was that they were so free in their thinking and loose in their morals. Not to mentioned far too carried away with passions of varying kinds. (Yes, I was a bit sheltered, immature, unlearned, fearful, you name an excuse and I probably used it). I knew that I was too weak for that kind of challenging. I didn’t want to sink. I didn’t want to get carried away. I didn’t want to be led into temptations. And even worse I didn’t want to express things that my peers would have scolded me for. (Take that however you want)
The years have taught me well. There are many ways to bless and heal a hurting heart. There are also many ways to express oneself. And if others find offense in what which one creates that is their own feeling to deal with. Some believe artists can get carried away, but in many ways they free themselves from inner turmoil and allow themselves to see the world in the many grey areas it actually dwells.
For me, I find peace in creating things that are peaceful reminders of the gentleness of the world. I enjoy illustrating and painting the things that are free from the weight of this world. I like dwelling in the simplicity of their lives. I believe that there will come a day when I will dig deeper in to my abstract side and produce things that are bizarre at best.
But all that said… There will be more to look at in the gallery as the days go by. The picture enclosed in this post is one from college. It is not nearly as in-depth as I would prefer, but the colors are peaceful nonetheless.
I love this picture and I can’t wait to see some of the others that you dig out from the past.
This is so beautiful, Mindy.
When I was younger I loved sunflowers because I somehow got the impression that Darby did–so I figured I would too.
I am excited to see more of your work, as well!
Oh, and btw–having long legs is really a great thing (though I do admit I am somewhat biased:-))
Very nice. And don’t regret not getting the art degree. I think I read that only 10% of people with art degrees actually continue creating art just a couple years out of school!
“…even worse I didn’t want to express things that my peers would have scolded me for. …
The years have taught me well. …And if others find offense in what which one creates that is their own feeling to deal with.”
Mind, this is an aspect of creating with which I have personally struggled constantly. Thanks for putting it into words on your site and being so vulnerable. I finding reading your blog to be a constant source of encouragement as I know more and more I am not alone. Thanks so much!!
Min– I have the strongest desire to buy you a piece of the wooden paper and have you paint the apples the way you always wanted them to be!!!!! Can you do that?! It’s never too late!!
Oh, and Jessic– I DO love sunflowers, and always have.