Awake

I am awake when I don’t want to be. I have a terrible cold and needed antibiotics. Took the first one before going to bed. Not sure if I am having a reaction but I laid in bed for almost three hours before realizing that I hadn’t actually fallen asleep. My body kept waking up. I had tingling in my hands, feet, lips even. It seemed like my heart rate was low and I was waking up because things were shutting down. I have no idea if that is what was happening but I am up now. Listening to the rain fall steadily harder outside. And soon the power may go out. I am SO not wanting to be awake when the power goes out. I hate it in fact. To top it off I have a pinching feeling in my neck and left shoulder that has been getting worse over the pass three days. I am very much unhappy with the state of affairs my body is in. Thirty-five is not so much fun right now. I feel like my body is nearing eighty instead.

Feelings

I have learned  a bit about who I am in these last few years.  And I feel a lot of things. And I feel them deeply.  Some times I feel so excited about something I want to cry.  Sometimes I feel so sad I want to just throw paint in big splats and make a mess… Symbolic  of what is going on inside.  Sometimes screaming and running with all my might sounds like a good plan to release the emotion inside.  Either way I have learned that I find some sort of comfort in feeling really deep emotion.  Except for anxiety and stress of course… Those things wreak havoc on my body.  Anxiety make me nauseous.  Stress gives me sharp chest pain (probably should get that looked at).

I wish I had oodles of time.  Time to just bust out big canvases and make paintings of all sorts of feelings and moments.  Time to just be quiet and create.  I have time now, but it comes in spurts.  And the few hours I take for the mural each week are becoming addicting.  I want to start make huge paintings on my walls at home.  The feeling of painting something as permanent as a mural is so cathartic.  Now if only I could get paid for it!  I did drop off some  mini oil paintings on mini easels at the Newark Arts Alliance near the Newark Co-op (yep, that’s plug so check it out).  I also drop off a few pairs of snowmen earrings.  It would be nice to make money with what I love to do…  And blessings people with art really is a passion I have.  I would give it all away but I need money for supplies to make more stuff.  All in due time I suppose.

Today is a mural day… Pictures to follow.  Thanks for reading and being interested in my yammering.

Pouring Your Heart Out

Sometimes I feel like pouring out too much.  Most of the time I pour out too little.  The other day I poured out my heart like hot lava… It was so pure and dangerous I had to delete the entry.  There are some things people know about us that we don’t realize ourselves.  And then there are things that others will never realize about us.  We all have treasures locked away.  Keys that unlock our hearts.  And keys that lock our hearts up.  A blog can be the place for that, a canvas to express our ideas in metaphors and ideas without necessarily being blatant about what we hold inside.  I supposed that is what creative writing is at its best.  At least that is how I use it… Sometimes.

I wish I had the keys to unlock a lot of people.  The right words and the energy to reach out.  I wish I knew what made them tick and what it takes to get them to trust…

It seems I have friends that span the scope:

some who reach out to me with genuine care,

some who know I am always there,

some who catch up in a note or two,

and some who hold back through and through.

We hold out the keys

Some take them and run.

I hand you my heart

But the return is none.

I wonder and wait

You act cool and calm.

You live in your bubble

You find your balm.

The choices we make

Make us instead

We all take big leaps

And rethink what we’ve said

It seems there is always a time and place.

It seems we all fall in to the same grace.

A real friend is the one

Who holds our heart high

A true friend we let in

They know deep inside.

Sometimes we’re low

Alone once again

But mostly we all

Just need a true friend.

So, that’s my ditty… An itty bitty ditty.  Why not?