Bubbling

What do you do when you feel like all kinds of things are swirling around in your head? You have a load of responsibilities to family and home and work. You have little things that you want to do like read a book, meditate, scrapbook, garden, write a song, or organize your photos, or clean the garage (some people really do enjoy that sort of thing). Then there are the thoughts of what you really wish you were doing… The dream that just bubbles up and reminds you there is so much to who you are and what you are capable of that never gets to come out and become real. Inevitably you simmer that boiling pot back down knowing that there may be a time to pursue it or maybe not. Some people, the lucky ones who know how to play their cards right, get to live their dream. They posses the skills necessary to balance it all out. What are those skills? I am dying to know.
I look at my job as a “homemaker” and think why is this the default setting for women and why are they given so little training on how to do it? I have a house that beckons for attention… dishes, bathrooms, laundry, beds, papers, toys… Then there’s the whole going to the grocery store all the time thing… and planning meals (which I do not do). Then swirled in all of that are these passions. Passions to create, paint, sculpt, sing, act, dance… Just to be really great at something. I am not sure why I want this so badly but I do. It feels like a deep need to be reassured in the gifts that I know are in there and could be a blessing to others while giving me some happiness too. I also have a passion for God. A passion to be giving to others. A passion to see others the way God sees them and know for them to know His love through me. It is a real part of me.
Home and self divide my thoughts, swirling around like to bold colors of paint being dumped into a puddle and taking so long to mix. Make that three colors because I forgot to mention that I am so broken and in need of family and safety and love and friendship. I don’t make friends easily. And I keep them at bay when I do. Why am I so unbalanced in everything?  I feel like I just need someone to hold my hand and tell me how to do everything. And yet if they did all the indepence in me would fight against their suggestions and I would do what I wanted in the end… still broken… still alone… still needy… still just as unsure of myself.
I could find some balance if I just thought ahead and planned but for some reason I do not possess that skill set. There are lots of things I could write about but I seem to fall back on the usual…  me.

Somewhere In Between

It’s late.  I should be sleeping… But my mind is swirling.  Like a broken record, thoughts just keep resurfacing.  This world has sadness.  This world has chaos.  After sin entered the world it was never to be easy for anyone again. But sometimes I really wonder why things turn out the way they do.  Why some people are born into the right family at the right time and given tons of support and meaningful conversation.  While others are born into cruel, violent, unloving ones that live each day leaving nothing but destruction in their wake.   I am somewhere in between… Albeit, that’s a BIG in between.  But life is full of grey areas.  Normal really can’t be completely defined.  Life is fluid and while some things are normal in a situation there are variables that throw the whole thing off balance.  I know, I am not telling anyone, and mostly myself, anything new here.

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Unquenchable Thirsts

(When I started this entry I had no idea where it was going… Then it arrived in the place where my heart wanted to call out… And there it sat until the well was dry.)

There is something creeping over me today.  It feels like a nice dose of emotional swinging.  I feel a little lost inside.  I am intune to that unquenchable feeling of dissatisfaction rising up and starting to irritate me.  I haven’t done much creating lately.  And it is starting to make me crazy.  I want to create but, well, all the excuses in the book keep me from doing it.  The house is never caught up.  Dinner is never planned.  School is never long enough.  And, quite frankly, it is too darn cold!  I could paint, I could draw, I could make jewelry, but my hands are dry and uncomfortable.  I could keep complaining, but that may make my few readers actually stop coming by, so I will stop there.  But art is an unquenchable thirst in me… Always.

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A Doll

Today I watched a little video on Etsy about a doll maker.  I watched it with my daughter.  She is four.  She is an independent creature with a knack for the arts.  Anyway, as we watched I mentioned how “there were many things I would like to create if I just had time.”  Well, she said, “Mom, let’s do it.  Let’s make a craft.  We can make dollies.”  Now, how am supposed to say no to that?  I mean, I had dishes and laundry to do and not to mention dinner to figure out.  So, I said, “Ok, go gather things to make dollies.  Like some stockings and ribbon.”  Well, she wasn’t too keen on gathering the materials alone.  After all, this was project we were going to do together.  So, I walked around the house with her and gathered some of the stuff needed and sat her at the table and told her to start stuffing the stocking.  I stole some time back at the sink to do some of those dishes and she called me back in saying she needed help.  I replied that the dishes were not going to wash themselves.  So, she said, “I can do them.  You make the doll.”  And with that she got a step stool from the bathroom and went to work.  I sat down and stuffed and sewed.  It felt good to be creating something.  She got done two or three dishes and came back thoroughly soaked in the front.  Then she said this, “That job is a bit too wet for me.  I’m back.”  So funny. I love that girl.  Anyway, she cut some fabric for a scarf, shoved in some  more stuffing, and made a necklace with a jewel from a chandelier that was lying in my sewing box. She put a sock on the doll’s head and then she decided it was time for a treat and ate some of the ginger bread house we made before Christmas.  I sweated it out and now we have a doll of sorts.  It was fun.  It needs work still, but I am excited to see its face once we paint it on there.

So, Capria learned a new word today… Inspiration.  And when it hits, it’s hard to say no to it.  :)