Bubbling
What do you do when you feel like all kinds of things are swirling around in your head? You have a load of responsibilities to family and home and work. You have little things that you want to do like read a book, meditate, scrapbook, garden, write a song, or organize your photos, or clean the garage (some people really do enjoy that sort of thing). Then there are the thoughts of what you really wish you were doing… The dream that just bubbles up and reminds you there is so much to who you are and what you are capable of that never gets to come out and become real. Inevitably you simmer that boiling pot back down knowing that there may be a time to pursue it or maybe not. Some people, the lucky ones who know how to play their cards right, get to live their dream. They posses the skills necessary to balance it all out. What are those skills? I am dying to know.
I look at my job as a “homemaker” and think why is this the default setting for women and why are they given so little training on how to do it? I have a house that beckons for attention… dishes, bathrooms, laundry, beds, papers, toys… Then there’s the whole going to the grocery store all the time thing… and planning meals (which I do not do). Then swirled in all of that are these passions. Passions to create, paint, sculpt, sing, act, dance… Just to be really great at something. I am not sure why I want this so badly but I do. It feels like a deep need to be reassured in the gifts that I know are in there and could be a blessing to others while giving me some happiness too. I also have a passion for God. A passion to be giving to others. A passion to see others the way God sees them and know for them to know His love through me. It is a real part of me.
Home and self divide my thoughts, swirling around like to bold colors of paint being dumped into a puddle and taking so long to mix. Make that three colors because I forgot to mention that I am so broken and in need of family and safety and love and friendship. I don’t make friends easily. And I keep them at bay when I do. Why am I so unbalanced in everything? I feel like I just need someone to hold my hand and tell me how to do everything. And yet if they did all the indepence in me would fight against their suggestions and I would do what I wanted in the end… still broken… still alone… still needy… still just as unsure of myself.
I could find some balance if I just thought ahead and planned but for some reason I do not possess that skill set. There are lots of things I could write about but I seem to fall back on the usual… me.
