In Process

Life is an endless process of growth.  Growing physically, mentally, and emotionally.  Sometimes we grow backward.  Sometimes we have to get re-nurtured in order to grow-up more.  At least, that is the case with me.  I am on a constant journey of trying to figure out my life… Inside and out.  I seem to want wholeness all the time. “A creature of comfort” could be on my epitaph.  I am realizing, in my maturing mind, how often I seek this place of euphoric rest.  And I have been through stages of seeking this comfort with food, with friends, in my art, in time alone, in spa treatments, in time spent with my husband, in seeing my kids have fun, in controlling things that I feel are being done unjustly.

Side note: once I drove through a crowd gathering for a fight  in a Wendy’s parking lot.  I just wanted the pain, whoever’s pain it was going to be, to be stopped.  And me, in my Dodge Omni, felt invincible (yes, I see the sheer irony in that).  The crowd simply reformed after my attempt to be like Moses and part their sea.  My friend in the car convinced me I could not do anything to help the situation and really shouldn’t ever attempt doing that again.

But back to the comfort thing… Constantly, I try meeting the needs of this little girl who stuffed down her needs for so long…  Who felt that there was too much going on in her house with her siblings and parents to reach out for all she wanted… needed.  And so now, here I am in my thirties finally realizing that my crazy habits of seeking comfort are just to appease this deep down yearning.  The walls set up kept the hurt from happening and keeps anyone from getting too close.  Which leaves me lonely… a lot.  A bitter sense of being left to fend for myself in a tragic and unsafe world.

But now, now, I hear the voice, not just the echo.  I know it’s there loud and clear.  And now the light will shine on it.  And soon all that I poured into soothing me can be poured into others.  Someday, I will be healed.  Someday, I will pass along this goodness to someone who needs to hear it.  Someday, I will arise from the ashes and gaze around at my new world.  Because I survived… And overcame an engulfing storm that hid me in its depths… but didn’t win.

A Boat Painting

I finished a painting the other day.  It was months in the making… Well, sort of.  I had done most of it  in one sitting a while back, but then when I got to the boat I felt really intimidated.  Boats have a certain look.  They are shiny, detailed and at times textured… They breathe somehow.  Their weightless freedom exudes life.  A boat in water is a beckoning of choices.  The mind knows that a boat is detailed and purposeful.  With living things occupying it… most of the time anyway.  It knows that a boat often conjures up ideas of relaxation… freedom… indulgence or at the very leas, a peaceful existence somehow.  But the photo I was painting from locked me into a very strict palette of whites (blue-hued to grey-hued) to work with.  It seemed too technical, and so I froze.  I made excuses not to finish.  I said the paper was warped.  I said the picture was to small to work with. I decided I really didn’t know what a boat looked like to be able to relate enough information between my mind and hands.

But alas, it is finished.  The paper is still warped.  The boat is a bit abstract.  But it is a full-fledged painting.  And I am proud of it.  Astonishment hits me everytime I finish something striking.  I really couldn’t teach someone how to do it.  But it just flows out.  I guess that is why a unique ability is called a “gift”… Because its goodness is so unexpected even to the one who possesses it.

A Doll

Today I watched a little video on Etsy about a doll maker.  I watched it with my daughter.  She is four.  She is an independent creature with a knack for the arts.  Anyway, as we watched I mentioned how “there were many things I would like to create if I just had time.”  Well, she said, “Mom, let’s do it.  Let’s make a craft.  We can make dollies.”  Now, how am supposed to say no to that?  I mean, I had dishes and laundry to do and not to mention dinner to figure out.  So, I said, “Ok, go gather things to make dollies.  Like some stockings and ribbon.”  Well, she wasn’t too keen on gathering the materials alone.  After all, this was project we were going to do together.  So, I walked around the house with her and gathered some of the stuff needed and sat her at the table and told her to start stuffing the stocking.  I stole some time back at the sink to do some of those dishes and she called me back in saying she needed help.  I replied that the dishes were not going to wash themselves.  So, she said, “I can do them.  You make the doll.”  And with that she got a step stool from the bathroom and went to work.  I sat down and stuffed and sewed.  It felt good to be creating something.  She got done two or three dishes and came back thoroughly soaked in the front.  Then she said this, “That job is a bit too wet for me.  I’m back.”  So funny. I love that girl.  Anyway, she cut some fabric for a scarf, shoved in some  more stuffing, and made a necklace with a jewel from a chandelier that was lying in my sewing box. She put a sock on the doll’s head and then she decided it was time for a treat and ate some of the ginger bread house we made before Christmas.  I sweated it out and now we have a doll of sorts.  It was fun.  It needs work still, but I am excited to see its face once we paint it on there.

So, Capria learned a new word today… Inspiration.  And when it hits, it’s hard to say no to it.  :)

Feelings

I have learned  a bit about who I am in these last few years.  And I feel a lot of things. And I feel them deeply.  Some times I feel so excited about something I want to cry.  Sometimes I feel so sad I want to just throw paint in big splats and make a mess… Symbolic  of what is going on inside.  Sometimes screaming and running with all my might sounds like a good plan to release the emotion inside.  Either way I have learned that I find some sort of comfort in feeling really deep emotion.  Except for anxiety and stress of course… Those things wreak havoc on my body.  Anxiety make me nauseous.  Stress gives me sharp chest pain (probably should get that looked at).

I wish I had oodles of time.  Time to just bust out big canvases and make paintings of all sorts of feelings and moments.  Time to just be quiet and create.  I have time now, but it comes in spurts.  And the few hours I take for the mural each week are becoming addicting.  I want to start make huge paintings on my walls at home.  The feeling of painting something as permanent as a mural is so cathartic.  Now if only I could get paid for it!  I did drop off some  mini oil paintings on mini easels at the Newark Arts Alliance near the Newark Co-op (yep, that’s plug so check it out).  I also drop off a few pairs of snowmen earrings.  It would be nice to make money with what I love to do…  And blessings people with art really is a passion I have.  I would give it all away but I need money for supplies to make more stuff.  All in due time I suppose.

Today is a mural day… Pictures to follow.  Thanks for reading and being interested in my yammering.

The Maintainer

So, we were working on the mural last week when these two guys that work for Septa came walking up the tracks and over to us.  They were all decked out in their work gear: bright orange shirts, jeans, hard hats, and work boots.  They began talking to us by saying we were risking a lot doing graffiti out in mid-day sun light.  We laughed and told them what we were up to.  Then, still donning their hard hats and reflective sunglasses they offered us some good old train yard hospitality.  Telling us we were welcome to use their bathroom, drink their coffee, or just take a break in their hang out called “The Tower” which was about a 1/2 mile down the tracks… Secluded from, well, everyone in the world.  We said thanks and changed the subject.   Anyway, in the end the lead guy, named “The Maintainer,” suggested that we throw him into the mural as a guy being tossed by the wind.  Cute…  But most likely we will just throw in a version of his hard hat.  After all, its his turf and he should have some affinity to the painting he’ll be walking past everyday for how ever long he works there.  So, that’s the update for now…

I missed the last mural paint time and they started the “Starry Night” swirls without me.  I was really bummed out since that was the part I was looking so forward to.  But, what’s done is done.  And at least I can say they are taking it from my illustration (…that Mayor Vance Funk himself thought was pretty good and he was excited to see it go up).  So, you can’t have it all.  In the end, its gonna be awesome and I hope you all get a chance to check it out!

Amtrak mural sketch complete

The Newark Train Station

So, below are the pictures of where I will be painting.  There are a handful of us working on it and it is coming along slowly but surely.  Due to a family wedding, a stomach bug, and my own kids fighting off sickness I haven’t been there in a week or more so, there may be some progress that I am unaware of.  If you get a chance stop by and see it transform!  You can pull in to the parking lot at the Newark Train Station next to the  old Chrysler plant.  And walk past the ticket booth and down to the platform.

The Mural Wall

The stairway from Route 896 down to the platform where the wall is

The trains go whizzing by on these tracks... quite loudly!

Oh the Places You Will Go!

Illustration for Submission

Today is my day… my birthday that is.   And a fine day to finally blog about something. There are many things I could write an entry on like my age… or my shifting time in life… or what I am learning about myself and the people around me. But I am going to write about something else: the biggest project of my life.  Literally.

A few weeks ago I saw this class listed in the Newark Arts Alliance Class program: Sept. 17-Oct. 1st, 3 Thursdays, 6-8pm plus additional time painting a mural outside on the weekends. Mural Workshop for Public Spaces /102 Taught by Terry Foreman. Ages 14 to adult. Learn how to develop a design concept into a finished drawing that can be presented to a client. Then adapt approved design to a working sketch that is transferred to an outdoor space. Group will collaborate on a single design that includes students individual components that look good together. Design will be painted on a outdoor public space in Newark. Additional painting time will be coordinated by the teacher during times/dates following the workshop depending on weather and students availability. Fee is based on classroom time only.

And now I am working on a mural for the town of Newark, DE. How cool is THAT?! I went to the class figuring there would be like 5-10 people in it. All of us coming in with ideas and eager to grow and learn. But it was just me and one other student the first week.  The second week we had to come with our ideas, better yet our “brainstorms” on themes. Well, I was the only one to show up that night.  And when I presented my idea the instructor loved it.  And thus, the idea for a mural was born.  It is growing and taking on life.  A new student showed up last week and is helping to sketch some of the items in the mural. Which is cool because she is working within my theme.

The place where the mural will be painted is at the Newark Train Station… On a buttress for the  896 bridge that reaches over the tracks… Where trains of people will go past it ALL THE TIME.  I am amazed.  One of my life’s dreams was to create a public work of art.  To have a chance to brighten someone’s day just because they walked past something I made.  And now it will happen. Granted I can only paint in the time I have available.  Leaving my “mural baby” at the mercy  of those who come to paint when I am not there.  But the seriously?  Who cares?  It’s still my idea.

There is still one major hurdle to jump over before the actual painting can begin.  The mayor of Newark needs to see a color sketch and approve of the idea.  He may have some opinions, not to mention some ideas of his own.  So in the long run my idea may change in some ways.  But either way this experience is awesome.  A mural!  ME?!  I am always amazed at what God has for me… Despite my complaining… Despite my choices to give in to being selfish.  He still looks after me…  He still loves me…  He still smiles at me because he knows I am nothing good without Him… and I will always come home to His open arms waiting to take me in and refresh my soul.

A Few Little Things…

Did a few little paintings.  Decided I should post them.  I think of them as mini fridge paintings.  They were fun and easy and, I think, nice to look at.

I am also in the process of a watercolor for my hubby.  It’s missing a huge part: the main sailboat.  But I feel stuck.  I am afraid that if I start it and it comes out wrong I will be so frustrated.  I love the water and the reflection so I am waiting for the same inspiration for the boat.  It will come.  I just have to wait to dive in and do it.

Creative Time

So, I totally got some time to create the other day… Once the Sears repair guy left that is.  (Nice guy, but he had too many details to tell me about our tractor.)  Anyway, what a gift it was to be given a few hours on my own in the middle of the day!   Everyday of motherhood feels like a day where you have no choice but to give of yourself. If you want your kids to feel secure and happy… If you want your family to have clean clothes and decent meals… If you want to be a responsible person and not some schlep who just gets by… you have no choice but to give over and over all day long.  Sure, I know my husband gives all day long at his job too.  But I am not so sure I would be valuable in the workplace anyway. I am a bit scatterbrained. And at times rather clueless. So, not a day goes by that I don’t thank the good Lord above that my hubby has a job and is healthy and brings home the bacon. So anyway, back to what I was saying. For some mothers and wives this giving comes easily. For me? Well, it is kind of like swimming upstream. No matter how hard I try I feel pretty defeated. I am an independent creature. I enjoy time alone. I enjoy the freedom of playing some good music and creating something new. (I also really love spontaneously jumping into a project and seeing it through without stopping for ANYTHING.  But well, that isn’t very realistic since I have to eat… and four other people in the house are waiting for me to think of something to feed them all too.)  The problem is it takes awhile for my muscles to warm up so they are ready to paint.  On this particular day I played around on the piano… tinkering with sounds and timing. It was relaxing. It was fulfilling.

For almost 10 years I have been a stay at home mom. At first that is what I really wanted to do. I love kids and find them to be so great to entertain. But well, three kids later and I hardly ever find enough time to work on my creative gifts. It is partly my fault since I never established any “my time” on a regular basis.  I just took what I could get and too often I got the worn out hours at night.

Back to the creating… So I painted some little canvases and am excited to finish them. I used some water-based oil paints by Holbein. They were fun to work with but I think it is going to take a lot a of practice to really understand how to use them. I am so used to watercolor that oils are completely foreign. With watercolor you leave the white space of the paper for your light areas, but with oils you just keep building upon the colors and it is like working backward.  So, it is just more difficult and they take so darn long to dry! If I get anything finished I will post it.

Not sure if any of this makes sense… But there is some sort of therapy in getting to paint.  The smooth lines that drift from the brush…  The cool depths and warm finishes some paints leave are so deeply soothing.  I love painting.  I love seeing the gift God has so graciously given me get put to good use.  Today I got to do face painting at our church’s Water Fun Day.  I LOVED it!  I loved it so much that I think it would be a fun side business.  I am already looking into purchasing professional face paints.  It isn’t too costly and if people are in the market for a decent face painting artist, well, I can be at their service.  I have been needing a fun job and an outlet for YEARS.  And well, getting to paint for hours at a time just isn’t happening yet.  So, this little business would work out well.

Here Comes the Sun

So, I love sunshine.  I need sunshine.  I live for sunshine. Without it every little infraction on the day is quite simply exacerbated exponentially.  So I am happy to say the sun warmed my soul today.  It lifted my heart and blessed me in some way.  I am so thankful for it (especially since my kids can be loud and active OUTSIDE for a change).

This brings me to my newly posted painting.  Here is an abstract I painted a year ago or so.  To me is has warmth and “galaxical” depth.

What cannot be seen from your screen is the metallic overtones the painting carries.  The sun itself its warm with golden luster and the light rings swirling about it are layered in highlights.  I loved making the circular motion with the paint brush.  If you have never done this I recommend picking up some paints and a good brush and practicing circular motions.  It is in some way therapeutic.  The repetitive motion simply relieves, refreshes, and gives a feeling of refinement to your muscles… That is until you do it for too long and wear yourself out (something I am not recommending, but to each their own).

It’s interesting how I take on abstract thinking… The sun had a limit.  The aura around it does too once it hits the darkening boarder.  It’s funny, even in my abstract views of objects I cannot help but find comfort in boundaries.   But that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.