Then I envisioned a bird in a nest sitting there on my simple branch. But as I looked at pictures online nothing really looked like the angle and view I needed. So, I found a simple little bird and used it for my guide.

As I looked at the branch all colored and full of life, I knew I needed a better tool for what was to come next. I had to find something that was a little sharper and easier to manipulate through the semi hard surface…So I grabbed a crazy wall hanger thingy that was laying around on my desk. (I got these things at a hardware store, recommended by some guy who said one little nail could hold like 50 lbs!! I bought them to hang up my art work, whatever it turned out to be. It is sort of like a nail with a disk in the middle and about 3/4 inch big and angled slightly.) Anyway, it was just what I needed (although a little short) to make more refined strokes.

Soon I was carving out my pencil lines and seeing the little bird come out and become a permanent piece of the board. Once carved, I got to begin my favorite part… choosing colors. The image of the bird was in black and white and so all of the colors were up to me to bring it to life. As I mixed browns and yellows and blues and blacks the creature came to life with personality in her eyes. I felt like she looked at the heavens for guidance… Much like the artist who brought her in to being.

Well, all I can say is no matter how many things I make, when finished I think “how the heck did I make that!? Simple me? How am I able to instinctively color and shade these things that flow out of my hand. Huh…” Then I figuratively shrug my shoulders knowing all too well that I am merely a vessel. That my gift is simply put in me to share with others and hope that is awes them too. I know maybe that sounds a bit conceited, but really, when I feel successful at something I simply cannot take all the credit. I feel like I must thank the One who gave me the privilege to create… And hopefully, to be effective at touching people’s hearts in the process… Blessings…

There is a metallic sheen on the image that can not show up except in person, but gives it a very warm heavenly effect.

It’s 1:39AM and I can’t sleep. Today was a difficult day. We wept with some very dear friends as they said their peace and good-byes to their second stillborn baby, Hope Amanda. There are no words for sadness such as this. No solace to offer for the broken hearts of the parents and their loved ones. No words of simplicity for the young siblings that were eagerly awaiting the arrival of a new family member that again would never come home to greet them. No peace when you think of how much it must hurt to let go of your baby and be sent home.

I got to meet this little sweet child last week and say hello and good-bye all in one breath. I held her in my arms, I feel so in awe to be trusted with such a delicate moment in time.

There are so many things rushing through my mind. So many thoughts of bewilderment. Everyone who came together today had the same thing to say over and over “It’s just so sad… I just want to do something for them… somehow help… Somehow alleviate all the pain they must bear.” But there are no words that seem to fit. No actions that could suffice. No peace that seems to follow.

My faith is tested. How could a great and awesome God allow such sadness to happen? To have to give birth to one lost baby surely is sad enough. But to have to leave another behind, and such a short while after the first, just seems so cruel. Maybe God doesn’t control things like this. They just happen. But then how could the universe be that cruel either. This family’s first baby was named Malachi. Due to extenuating circumstance I was not able to attend his service last July. My heart broke as I thought of all that this family was going through. This past spring I had another friend loose her baby mid-term. These two families know each other. It seems unreal to happen at all, let alone to two people close in that same circle of friends.

My faith goes around in circles. If I try to deny the existence of a huge and perfect God, I come back around to the conclusion that it simply couldn’t be so. How could all that breathes in this world just evolve so perfectly by chance… the symmetry and detail of the human body, the inner workings of leaves and stems, the growth of a seed into anything at all, the tides of the ocean working with the moon, the colors of the spectrum, gemstones in their brilliance, the intrinsic trust a child has in their parent. There are so many things that just can’t be explained by chance. And yet I am struggling to feel connected to a faith that I have known so familiarly in the past 30 or so years of my life. I know deep within my soul that I could not fully deny God’s existence… It is embedded in my flesh, it is the life that brings hope when I allow it to come in, and in times like these when I struggle to believe it is there still it reminds me to hold on to the truths I have known. In these wee hours of the night, when the hum of the refrigerator and the stillness of the house leave me deep in my thoughts and allow me to just be, I am reminded that those who trust in this God of Hope, trust in that which is left when the well runs dry, when logic and good faith don’t seem like enough, when hope and peace seems so far away…

There is a simple song my heart cries out. A song that I am resolved to sing when I am continually asking God “Why?!” to so many questions.

“Well sometimes my life just don’t make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

So hold me Jesus ’cause I’m shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won’t You be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It’s so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

So hold me Jesus ’cause I’m shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won’t You be my Prince of Peace

Surrender don’t come natural to me
I’d rather fight You for something I don’t really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I’ve beat my head against so many walls
Now I’m falling down I’m falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin

I’m singing hold me Jesus ’cause I’m shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won’t You be my Prince of Peace

You have been King of my glory
Won’t You be my Prince of Peace ”
-Rich Mullins

I just hope and pray that when I wake up feeling the after effects of weeping and the sadness for friends dearly loved, that there will be grace for me to function for my kids, grace to go beyond the tired eyes and the achy body, grace to hope for new life to grow in places that seem so dark. But I am reminded very quickly that the grace needed for me is surely nothing compared to that which this family needs every minute of the day. May God bring His peace to them in abundance…

(The above painting is a card given to the family.)

Stitches
Got four stitches today when I accidentally sliced into my thumb with a razor blade meant for scraping off excess wax. First time the teachers had to run anyone to the emergency room was with me… They’ve been doing workshops for two years.

Painting
First encaustic painting by me

In two weeks from today my much anticipated trip to California for an artistic safari will be half over. I have no idea what state of mind I will be in; no comprehension of how deeply this trip will affect me. I just feel utterly confused about how I will make it through. I am paralyzed just thinking about it.

Just two years ago I longed for this very experience. I dreamt about time to myself… the peace and quite… the flowing energy of creativity… the personal space… the lack of familial responsibility. I am sure I complained more often than not about how crazy my life felt… How bitter I was to have to clean up after others.

But I have had new light shine on my heart in recent weeks. It seems that there is this part of me that is ready to embrace family life as I never have before. This peacefulness in knowing that I am the “mom” of a few little people who cling to me before anyone else. And now it just seems so hard to leave that. I know I am to come back after a week, but it feels like so much longer. I feel like when I have to go out that door and say good bye to these sweet little people, and a truly great husband, that I will be ripping a piece of my heart out and handing it to them… Something very deep in me will break. I almost feel like I can’t do it. Like it’s going to be so hard to leave that something in me will turn my feet to lead and prevent me from taking another step. Maybe it’s because my kids are finally at a place where I can really enjoy all three of them at the same time. (You have no idea how much I have longed for this in the past 5 years!) Maybe it’s because my preschooler will have his last day of school while I am gone and I won’t be there to witness it. Maybe it’s because my first grader seems so grown up for his age that I feel like I am leaving a friend. Maybe it’s because my baby girl won’t be there in the morning for those few days to greet me with her sugary smile, her arm full of blankies and her wildly unkept bed head. Maybe it’s just the fact that I have to let go of some control. Not that I really have any ability to control the mass mayhem we coexist in in this little universe called our house on a daily basis. In fact, I seem to become a strange wild-eyed, wrinkled-evil-browed monster more often than I care to acknowledge on any given day. Well, from the truths just stated I guess that is why I need to get away.

But gripping pangs of loneliness fill my heart when I think of just how alone I will be. I will know no one. There will be no one to just sit with and feel at ease. There will be no one waiting for me to get my things together. No one to anchor myself to. It’s like walking into the school cafeteria all over again. Those horrible anxious feelings of dread that you won’t find anyone to sit with. And that all too uneasy feeling of insecurity. Normally, I am ready to take on the challenge and meet new people. And make new friends. But something in my life has changed. I have anchors now. And I like them. I have friends who I can rely on and am not looking for new ones. I know, I know, its just for a week. But at night I will be all alone… I am just having a hard time swallowing the loneliness. I just hope that the independent spirit that has driven me to many wonderful experiences in my life will rise up for this one. It just feels like that part of me is dormant.

Maybe if I just write it all out and have this cry-fest, I’ll be able embrace this goodness that has been handed to me and drink it in deeply. I just need to continue to pray for a strength that isn’t in me. A strength that allows me to be certain that while things are not in my control they are in the best hands they can be left in. Once I surrender my fears over to the Creator of all good things created, I will be able to run ahead and grab hold of the amazing gift I have been given.

Now that I have said all that who in the world would ever want to read so much babbling? But I feel much better now…

Here is the cherry blossom painting and a wave too

Okay, let me step back a minute an fill everyone in on what I painted. After sketching the rose picture, I felt that the photo I was working from was too blurry to render a real likeness in paint. So, I chose another photo (one I saved from a magazine). I took on the project with zest and energy thinking I could capture it. After many long nightly hours, I decided to hurry through it and just get it done. In the end I was happy with its likeness knowing full well that it was not a masterpiece. It lacked depth and perspective. It wasn’t proportional and was in need of a lot of professional tips. But, alas, I am an amateur and can only do amateur work.

Anyway, it makes me angry when I look at it because I know it isn’t perfect. I mean, come on, it was interpreted as conch shells! Albeit, she was looking at it upside down, but still. If you can’t tell what a picture is from every angle than you haven’t conquered replicating what you see. The poor woman was careful not to make too many comments about it at first. And once she did, and was wrong, she tried really hard to throw in some encouragement. But it was too late. The pain was twisting in my gut and pulling at my brain. I kept hearing myself think “ouch” and “Ugg, I am such a moron! Why did I bring this here? I am so stupid.” Every time I play it over in my head, which has been several thousand times now, I feel like I am being punched.

This was a total blow to my ego. See, I was envisioning being at this art show and being “discovered.” And having someone ask “How much?” and I would offer something over $100 and they would flatteringly say “Are you crazy? It is worth much more than that!” But I tend to “script” scenarios in my head all the time hoping for the “wow” factor to finally be mine. I do it with everything, from I what I cook, to what I say, to what I create, to what I look like. To just know that I have “wowed” someone with what I can do. That is really personal, but true. Maybe if I put that ugly little beast out there it will run away from me and leave me alone. The truth is though, that if anyone gives me “props” I get really embarrassed and wish I could hide. As much as I want the acceptance, I hate the attention. In fact, I probably started this blog with the idea of getting some acceptance (i.e. the bit about asking for comments). But if I talk to people in person about the stuff on here I get all choked up and want to run far away from the conversation. Which is silly, but the anonymity of blogging is its appeal.

So anyway, here is the painting. I take pride in teaching myself how to capture the water drops. I had to look in books and practice a little before I understood how to make them appear 3D. It lacks a lot of perspective and must be labeled abstract, especially since it could be mistaken for the inside of conchs. I guess I can see how the colors are similar. Oh, well. I will press on. I have a few paintings framed and ready for LAZERTOWN! Hopefully, I won’t feel like slithering under a rock when I am there. I fear being put to shame by others who have “mad skills.” (see ‚ÄúNapoleon Dynamite‚Äù for correct meaning)

If you’ve read down this point, thanks for listening. Pray against fear. It took me two hours to get to sleep last night and that was without the mistaken identity of my painting! And once I did sleep, two of my kids took turns waking me up. When I awoke in the morning the family was sleeping in our room, minus the three year old who missed the party. And yes, he noticed…

P.S. Are we all so insecure? It seems to me, the more I really get to know people the more I realize that everyone hides their deep, embarrassed self. Burying it way below the surface until finally they crack and the truth erupts and out comes the hot lava of self-loathing, jealousy, and feelings of inadequacy. Just curious… Good night

Life really isn’t fair. What do you do when the rug is pulled out from under you and it sends you flying into the air only to land you square on your back in disbelief? I have two people in my life who have recently lost their mothers due to some freak accident or medical issue. I think of their pain and wonder what feelings they go through on a daily basis. The highs and the lows. The crushing pain of loss. No one replaces a mother. Nothing replaces that sense of secruity and peace. Nowhere on earth can you get away from those feelings and relax again. I wish I could give them a sense of peace and replace what their aching hearts need. But it is not my ability to do so.

Fortunately, there is always faith. Trusting in the perfect love of God. So many times we despair on our own and we feel so cheated by the lack of fairness in our lives as compaired to others. I get sad when I think of these friends and can only hope that they will find peace through the Living God.

I became inspired to paint a picture of peace for them.

A soothing mix of bright metallic paints in gold and silver. Along with shades of blue and grey, there is a yellow that seems like light. The picture is of a freefloating wing painted in metals and light blues with a sweep of grey under it and a frame of yellow above and around it. I just want it to bless her and give her a vision of peace.

I painted a few little things but haven’t gotten them up yet, but at least I did them.

I realized that if I try really hard to create what I see than I can make it happen. Anyway, tonight I sketched out the picture and planned my scene. Then I dove in and eagerly drew lines and layered colors. As the shadows drew back and the light brought forth the image, before me lay a rendition of the photo. I know I have said numerous times that I don’t believe I am an artist of any worthy caliber. But tonight something gripped me. I was entranced by the colors and spaces on the photo. I crept into the detailed lines and grabbed for colors that would portray what was really before me.

Here it is. A layout of what happened and how it ended. I still can’t believe this came from my hand. My brain feels a little less mushy right now (since I haen’t used this area of it in a while) and my heart is still racing when I think of how I felt when I stepped back and looked at the picture.