That Which We Become
So, my plan is to archive my art history. Anything I have that I have made through the years will end up in the Gallery. I have works from high school on. Although I have done a lot since early childhood, I didn’t really hang on to too much. I think as I got better I decided the old drawings were too unrefined to keep. Which is sad because I would love to line it all up and see where I have I come from.
I was fortunate enough to take some art classes as a kid. I remember drawing a pastel picture of a sitting rabbit. Its front legs were really long and out of proportion (… Like it’s creator. I used to get called “daddy long-legs” for it. Just by my family, but still it skewed how I saw myself). I also remember getting to draw a pair of hanging apples on a branch. The paper we used was wooden. It rolled up like paper but was wooden on the front. Completely smooth with grains and varying hues of yellows and browns. I remember very distinctly that I made some mistakes that I could not reverse. And every time I looked at it I felt so frustrated because I actually was very happy with it at one point during its construction. But somehow I decided it just needed a little something more. I went out of the lines and totally hated what it was becoming. I wanted so badly to make a new one. I wanted to have a chance to prove to myself that I could do it just right. But, alas, no such luck. That portion of the class was over. And my picture was what it was. For years, I held on to that picture in my closet. And every time I looked at it the frustration came back. So, I guess the disgust got the better of me one day and out in to the trash it went. There were others like it as the years went by. Things that I knew could be better but for what ever reason didn’t get the attention they should have. And they too, ended up getting tossed out.
So, now here I am in my thirties creating in spare moments (which are far and few between but becoming more available as my kids head off to school). If I finish something and do not like it, well, I feel all that treasured time is wasted. So, I rip up or destroy that which took some time/life from me and gave back no satisfaction in return. I want no remembrance of it. No trace of the frustration it caused me to feel. Sure, it isn’t the object that offended me but my own mistakes in creating it. And that is a feeling I do not want to revel in.
Sometimes I wonder just how much I would find pleasure in creating had I just gotten that degree in Fine Arts. My parents wanted me to, but I felt so driven to make people’s lives better. I figured a degree in Social Work/Counseling would really be beneficial to the world. Afterall, I didn’t want to end up a starving artist. But in the end I have only used that aforementioned degree in varying moments. At the time in which I chose my area of “expertise”, I felt compeled to get that degree for the shear fact that God had delivered me through counseling I had received and I should only do the same for others. Besides, at the time, my view of artists was that they were so free in their thinking and loose in their morals. Not to mentioned far too carried away with passions of varying kinds. (Yes, I was a bit sheltered, immature, unlearned, fearful, you name an excuse and I probably used it). I knew that I was too weak for that kind of challenging. I didn’t want to sink. I didn’t want to get carried away. I didn’t want to be led into temptations. And even worse I didn’t want to express things that my peers would have scolded me for. (Take that however you want)
The years have taught me well. There are many ways to bless and heal a hurting heart. There are also many ways to express oneself. And if others find offense in what which one creates that is their own feeling to deal with. Some believe artists can get carried away, but in many ways they free themselves from inner turmoil and allow themselves to see the world in the many grey areas it actually dwells.
For me, I find peace in creating things that are peaceful reminders of the gentleness of the world. I enjoy illustrating and painting the things that are free from the weight of this world. I like dwelling in the simplicity of their lives. I believe that there will come a day when I will dig deeper in to my abstract side and produce things that are bizarre at best.
But all that said… There will be more to look at in the gallery as the days go by. The picture enclosed in this post is one from college. It is not nearly as in-depth as I would prefer, but the colors are peaceful nonetheless.
Up and Running
My hubby and I have been working on this site most of the day. The housework just had to wait, but it is so worth it. I am really excited about how the site is coming together. I seem to have some momentum after that depressing post last night. But that is fine. I needed to get all the yucky feelings out to bring up the good ones… Plus, the sun shined today! Now that always brings up motivation!! Unless, it is sweltering summer sun… That usually makes me unhappy too. I am a fickle creature.
First Goal: Make this site interesting
Soon there will be original artwork at the head of this site. Ii am working on the drawing and hopefully we will get it up soon. The Gallery category currently has posts with art work attached. I will continue to add things to it as I scan them in. Eventually, I would like to generate some kind of business though the site. So, anyway, thanks for stopping by and come back soon!
Wal-Mart: Your One Stop Shopping Place for Bargains and Body Bags
Here is an old entry never before published… Found it among my writings waiting to be published.. So I figured “Why not now?”
“I recently heard about the horrific event that occurred at a Wal-Mart near Queens, NY. An event that should at the very least send chills through your spine and cause you to second guess ever setting another foot in there again.
Everyone in America knows that you can find a bargain in Wal-Mart. From clothes, school supplies, and DVD’s to whatever suites your fancy, you can find it a little cheaper there. So, what do you do when hoards of shoppers, who have been given no structure or regulation for lining up and entering the bargain bin, camp out overnight waiting for the biggest Black Friday sales of the last past century.
You plan for craziness. You plan for a stampede. YOU PLAN. But this Wal-Mart had no plan. In fact, a man died when the angry crowd beat the glasses doors down and trampled his 280lb. body. That is just too sad. It is too wrong. It is an abomination to humanity when a person is trampled under the feet of hundreds of people just going shopping… Selfishly consuming more things for their buck. This tragic event is long forgotten after a day of headlines. But I don’t think Wal-Mart will ever get a penny from me again. (And yes, there is an argument over whether they should have ever gotten ANY of my pennies) I think the saddest thing about the situation is that the store where the event took place only closed for 3 hours. 3 HOURS?! To what? Wash his blood off the floor? That’s all… a 3 hour block of time to get over loosing an employee so some people can save a few bucks on junk. After all, they couldn’t afford to loose the sales for the day. Pathetic.”
I need a goal… And want to be a great artist… And I need my kids to ALL be in school
So here’s the thing… I want to complain. I want to yell at the sky for my present life’s situation… And the situations of others’ lives that are struggling to be made right today. I want to complain about how disorganized I am. I want to whine about how I am SOOO ready to get a break on a daily basis. I want my kids to be on the same schedule so that they are all out of the house at the same time for at least a little while. I want to feel motivated to make something out of my life. I want to change lives. I want to yell out “ARTIST FOR HIRE” and hope someone will believe me. I want to make things that people enjoy looking at for years to come. I want to feel like I have it together in some way. I want approval. I want to feel like there is more in my brain that half-hearted meal planning and the dreaded call of laundry beckoning me to do something with it (wash it, dry it, fold it, put it away, wash it, dry it, fold it, put it away, and again and again…) Most days I am fine. But today, I just feel BLEH.
So, I need something to reach for. I need to feel like I am needed in someway. I want to create. I want to be needed to create. I want to feel some freedom in my day and expectation in my talent.
I need time to produce projects and research and practice my skills. But time is the one thing I can’t get. It just isn’t available. Of course, I could find some time… like an hour here or there, but that is not enough to truly delve into an art form and really feel it flow.
Forgive me for this silly post… that is if anyone is still listening… I am hoping someone out there will again some day if they are not now. And maybe find me some work… Not that I have a lot to offer. I just want to make some money doing something I enjoy… Ideal job for all huh? Not a lot of money, just something to symboliize that I accomplished something. The money really isn’t the thing… The accomplishment is. The feeling that there is worth in what I create. In fact, if I could make paintings for orphans with no money, but a true sense of valuing something beautiful, and if it meant earning nothing but respect that would be worth something to me.
I have mush brain… I can’t think clearly to plan my life. I can’t help but wonder just how much brain-power I will ever have if I don’t have much now.
So, I am going to start with a new blog. Now if I can just actually accomplish this I would be getting somewhere.
Hmm
Not sure what to write… I will eventually have the energy to write something… but that isn’t right now. Thanks for stopping by though… that was nice of you… sorry if i let you down… got any suggestions on what to write about… my life seems pretty boring to me.
Oh, and i didn’t write the last post… so if they sound worded differently than “me” thats because they weren’t me… yeah, I know, that last sentence barely makes sense to me too…. time to retire for some sleep
New Look
As you can see I switched over to using WordPress for updating my site. Over the next few weeks I will be making various updates to the design and functionality. Thanks.
Historical Election
Wow. This is what it feels like to be a part of a true historical moment. Chills run through my skin as I watch the next First Family walk across the stage. A black family. An American Family. I did not vote for Obama. I voted for McCain out of pure conscience for the lives of the unborn… For the definition of marriage… I wanted to vote for what I truly believed to be important. I did not really feel connected to John McCain in any way, except for some of his conservative views. But for many reasons I did not want to vote for him. I did not want to vote for the “Loose Cannon.” I did not want to vote for a man who apparently called his wife a “c–t”. I did not want to have to listen to his voice in speechs. I did not want to hear him use the phrase “my friends” one hundred times a minute. But I must say I am humbled by his speech. It was gracious and kind. And totally embarrassed by the Arizonians who were there to boo and hiss like a bunch of ignorant idiots!
I wanted to vote for Obama. I wanted to support the election of an African-American. In the end I did not help it happen, but I am glad we are where we are… I am glad for what has happened because of what it means.
The Weekend in LA
The weekend flew by like a bird in flight. Soaring in greatness upon a blue canvas… then gone. Directed, purposeful, graceful … but now gone. People I love dearly who take me for what I am and let me be just that, shared a few days of my life and I with theirs.
THE VIEW